Journal #5

It’s Sunday. A lovely Sunday. I slept great. I feel good, I need you Lord. I pray for love, health, peace, comfort, truth and joy today. I will be taking more medication… I pray a blessing over them helping me get healthy, Lord. Please. I also pray for less anxiousness from __ and ___… like calm down. I hope she didn’t hear me comment on her =/ I also hope she doesn’t think I’m mad at her about those texts or anything. Gosh I feel dumb. Help me Lord. I also feel ever so slightly awkward around ___. Ok… let’s shift. I need some help here Lord.

It's not about me. It’s about you. Bless ___ today Lord as he preaches. Give him great peace and great focus. Bless my husband with health and vigor. Bless ___ with peace and grace and rest, even now as she gives all her time and energy to others.

My heart doesn’t need encouragement it needs a surgeon. DO it.

My mind doesn’t need all the answers it needs wisdom. Give it.

My body doesn’t need mindset it needs your helaing hand.

Guide us God to live a life that blesses you and others and eachother. Protect us.

I give this day to you. I give my life to you. I give aging and taking care of the aging to you. I give my desires and dreams to you. Life is short. May we live it for you.

Journal #4

Oh Lord, good morning. I come to you. I lay my day before you. To you I lift my soul. To you I give my all. It is I. Your daughter, your creation, your willing subject. You rule and reign.

It is Monday. Jeff and I have been here almost 6 months. Today is Labor Day and we both have the day off. It is 9 am.

I feel reset, healed. I am thankful for 2 more days, and I will be ready to go.

I want to spend some time thanking you Lord. For this life. I am so thankful for Jeff. He is the best husband I could have ever asked for. I continue to pray that I am a good and supportive wife to him. Helpful and kind.

I don’t know what’s going on in both our hearts that our lives feel unproductive. Unsuccessful but that’s simply not true. We work daily as unto you. Jeff’s life is not wasted and neither is mine. We are making progress. We are doing things. Why can’t we see it. Because we want more. There is sin.

I know it doesn’t feel like sin but it is. It’s sin that we want to do for you MORE than we just want you. Just like all those years when I wanted marriage and kids… which wasn’t sin it’s that I thought it would make me happier than you and you alone. Jeff will get ministry I believe. But it wont make him happier then you and you alone.

Lord… we live to do your will. Humble us. If it be your will elevate us. If it be your will use us. Forgive us. Search our hearts and know us. Try us. See if there be any wicked way.

Protect us today father. Encourage our spirits. Give my husband something else to do, something else to focus on to make him feel better. His spirit seems tired.

It’s a gift to live here and we are super productive. I don’t know what’s frusted his spirit so but lift it God. Refine him. Protect him. Develop him. There is something in him that you need to deal with… something. I don’t know but you know.

Rip it out. Forget protection. Do battle and win.

Journal #3

Ah, finally, some time alone with my thoughts. And with You, God.
You are always here. What would I do without you.

It’s been a good first week of training. A few missteps, sure, but nothing that shakes me. Overall, I feel thankful to be learning, growing, and getting to know people better. I’m older than most and I’m okay with that.

I can feel that confidence in my body…steady, grounded, unshakable. I’m reminded that my worth isn’t determined by their reactions, anxieties, or immaturity of others. I know who I am. I know what I carry. I know what I have to offer.

Lord, something became very clear to me again this week: I cannot be God for other people. I can support, encourage, and walk alongside but I will not take on the role that only You can fill. If someone is suffering, searching, or stuck, their deepest turn must be to You, not to me. That boundary is loving for them and for me. I release the responsibility to rescue, fix, or over-function. You are their source. I am not.

This morning, I’m feeling a little tired when I think about church, not faith, not You, but the structure, the rooms, the routines. I find myself longing for peers. For community. For friendships that feel mutual and alive. Father, please give us that. Give us people. Give us family.

I also want to bring my anxiety to You around finances and the future. There are big decisions ahead, and I don’t want to rush or ignore realities. Give us wisdom. Give us patience. Help us pause before we act. I trust that clarity will come as we slow down and look honestly.

Today, I want to honor my body and my relationships. I want to rest, to enjoy connection, to receive joy. Lord, I ask for Your protection over my body and my health. You know my needs even better than I do.

I also bring You my work, the vision, the mission, the sense of calling that still feels a little scattered. Help me clarify what matters most. Help me close unnecessary tabs in my browser and in my soul. Simplify my life. Slow my pace. Make me present.

I refuse to live anxiously. I will not let stress take up residence in my body. Not today.

Today is for breathing. For caring for myself. For rest. For beauty. For Sabbath. No striving. No proving. Just being with You.

Amen.

Journal #2

Good morning, Lord. I come to you…. All of me. At your feet. Begging for joy. Energy. Mercy. I am ok. I am good. I am strong now. Nothing but strength moment by moment until the next round which I pray by your grace maybe I won’t have again… I still feel sad about it. But today is not the day to process that. I just need you Jesus. My Jesus. And I have you. And you are with me and us. And I love interviews and I am healthy and I am good at interviews. Today will be a great day. A fun day. I am a friendly, fun boss. I am not best friend or an aunt or a mentor fully. I am boss and I care about my team deeply. And I care about this place. And right now, that’s all I have to give. Help me not to feel guilty God.

Journal #1

No fear…I throw off all fear God. Fear of messing up. Fear of what others think. Fear of getting fired. Fear of never having a house. Fear of health issues. Fear of missing out.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Perfect love.

Perfect.

Love.

Casts out.

All.

Fear.