Why We Stay Stuck Even When We Want to Change

Part 2 of 4

When I first shared my confession about feeling frustrated with people who stay stuck, I received so many thoughtful responses.

Some women simply said, “Me too.” Others shared that they've experienced freedom themselves and now wonder why some people seem unable or unwilling to pursue it.

Many courageously admitted something that is hard to say out loud: “I think I'm stuck.”

As I read their stories, one question kept coming back to me: Why is change so incredibly difficult?

I don't think the answer is that people are lazy or unspiritual. From what I've seen, it's much deeper than that.

I think many people stay stuck for one of these three reasons. There are, of course, more:

·       The cost of change still feels too high.

·       There is something they are still unwilling to surrender to God.

·       They haven't slowed down long enough to hear either their own heart or God's voice.

1. The cost of change feels too high

Sometimes the cost of change really is enormous.

Leaving an unhealthy relationship. Setting boundaries with family. Walking away from a lifelong dream. Letting go of the life you thought you were going to have.

When the pain of changing feels greater than the pain of staying the same, our hearts often whisper, “No.”

2. We want freedom without surrender

I think many of us genuinely want God to heal us. We want peace. We want joy. We want Him to move.

But we quietly hope He won't ask us to release the one thing we've been clinging to.

The relationship. The dream. The timeline. The identity. The career. The pride. That one thing we've decided is off-limits.

Yet Jesus said, “Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25).

Freedom has always come through surrender. Not partial surrender. Complete surrender.

It is saying, “Lord, if Your plan is different from mine, I trust that Your way is better.”

It's not easy. In fact, it often feels like dying.

But I've never met someone who fully surrendered to Christ and later wished they had held on tighter.

3. We never slow down long enough to hear God

Our calendars are full. Our phones are buzzing. Our minds never stop.

And when we never slow down, we can lose touch with what's happening in our own hearts and struggle to attend to God's voice.

Many of us know we're anxious, frustrated, or exhausted, but we rarely sit quietly long enough to ask, “Lord, what's really going on in my heart? What are You inviting me to do?”

James reminds us, “Be doers of the word, and not hearers only” (James 1:22). Hearing is meant to lead to action. But are we making room to listen in the first place?

Which of these three might be keeping you stuck?

Does the cost of change feel too high? Is there something you're unwilling to surrender? Or have you been moving too fast to hear God's gentle voice?

And maybe, just maybe, people aren’t really as miserable as we think they are.

As I've reflected on all of this, I've also wondered if we sometimes assume people are more miserable than they actually are.

Maybe we're projecting. Maybe we've imagined that if we were in their shoes, we'd desperately want out.

But perhaps they don't. Perhaps they've adapted. Perhaps they don't yet know another way.

One of the most humbling lessons I've learned as a coach is this: You cannot want someone's freedom more than they do and expect that to be enough to change them.

You can pray. You can love. You can speak the truth. You can walk beside them.

But you cannot choose surrender for them. That's between them and the Lord.

Our responsibility is to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), trust the Holy Spirit to do what only He can do, and allow people to be uncomfortable without rushing to fix it. Their discomfort doesn't have to become ours to resolve.

If you're beginning to recognize yourself in this conversation, that's where we'll go next.